An Open Letter Myself. A Year Ago.

Dear Me,

I know you’re hurting. A lot. It feels like you just can’t win. You keep losing people and I hate to be that guy . . . but it’s about to get worse. Prairie Care is going to suck. Bad. But it’s over before you know it.

You’re going to meet a super awesome friend. So that’s exciting. But then he’s going to die. And so are a few other people but trust me, you learn to numb it out.

You’re going to hit rock bottom.

And rock bottom is going to hurt. And I don’t mean hurt as in pain that is emotional and mental. I mean real, physical pain. Your heart is going to be so sick of hurting that the rest of your body is going to try take it’s pain away and you’re going to think that there are ways to stop the pain but know that there is not. There’s no way to stop the pain except to wait. Give yourself some time. I swear it gets better. I pinky promise.

You probably won’t believe me when I say this but a year from right now you are feeling joy: real, pure, genuine JOY. You will be able to smile without forcing it. You’re going to laugh more than you have in a really long time. You’re going to feel everything even more deeply than you are now but it’s a good thing.

It’s finally a good thing.

Oh yeah, and you are going to graduate. Hallelujah, right?! You’re technically not going to find out until two weeks before the day of graduation and you’re going to cry a lot leading up to that but just know you’re almost there!

I know it feels like you’re losing a lot of people. To death, but also to just . . . to life.

But in the next year, you’re going to meet so many new people. People that matter and people that love you. Permanent people, not just temporary people. It sounds bizarre, I know but they are literally the most amazing people and you are so blessed.

In the next year, you’re going to learn more about yourself than every before. Not only are you going to learn that you’re a feeler, but you’re also going to accept it. You’re going to learn that you actually love people. People are going to become your inspiration. You’re going to try new things and fail. But girl, you’re not even going to care because that’s what life is for.

You’re going to be okay.

I know it doesn’t seem possible right now and it probably won’t for awhile but just lay it in God’s hands. He’s going to save you, Mary.

Don’t forget to pray.

You really,  truly are going to be okay. 

Lots of love,

Your future self. In a year.



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All the X’s and O’s,